What Happened
The night before I was up late. Yes, that is my fault. But you see there was this really nice girl that I wanted to get to know better, and considering it has been over a year and a half since I have had any sort of relationship with anything resembling female, this was a top priority. Possibly even higher than getting orange skin. Eh, that is a story for another time. So yeah, I was up late and needed as much sleep as possible to be ready for what would undoubtedly be a challenging day of work. I set my alarm for 9:00 am to allow myself a good solid 7 hours of sleep before needing to be in by 10:00 am.
8:00 am - I wake up. Strange, I never wake up this early unless something is very wrong. Little did I know. I decide my body must be telling me that my bladder is full. It doesn't feel full, but there must be a reason so I stumble out of bed and head to the bathroom.
8:01 am - I stub my left toes on a foreign object. The sudden pain confuses me further in my barely concious state, causing me to attempt to move my foot forward and stub my toes a second time. At this point my body decides that it should stand very still to prevent further injury until my mind can catch up to what is happening. Ah yes, my shiny new scale in my dark bathroom. Why did I think this would be a good place for that?
8:02 am - My body manages to crawl back into my bed.
8:03 am - My phone rings. I lurch out of bed, because answering my phone when it rings is what I do as a good IT person. I receive a message to call a phone number. Strange.
8:04 am - I finally figure out how to dial my phone to the number I have been commanded to call.
8:05 am - After a minute of holding, the Verizon Collections Department answers.
Background:
A month or so ago I bought a really expensive phone from Verizon. It is supposed to be able to synch up with an Exchange server, which interests me because our BlackBerrys just don't work that well. Seriously, their synch software is junk, all versions. After charging the 1337 phone, I tried to connect it to the Exchange server, which didn't work. I might add that it kept losing signal, which may have contributed to the non-syncing state of the device. I promptly became very busy for the next two weeks so it sat completely unused on my desk. I don't even think I tried to see if I could call on it. I returned the phone a day or two before they wouldn't take it back. When I bought it, I was assured that if I didn't have service, that I wouldn't have to pay for it. When I returned it, the guy at the counter told me that I didn't owe anything else. While leaving the Verizon booth I called the customer service phone number to verify that the number had been cancelled and that I didn't owe anything.
Continuing What Happened:
8:06 am - The collections department lady manages to find my account with my current phone number and verify it with the last four digits of my social security number. She promptly tells me that I owe them $102. What? Oh yeah, Verizon is evil. Although, apparently Sprint contains even more pure evil than Verizon.
8:20 am - After about 15 minutes of repeatedly explaining to the lady why I couldn't possibly owe any money, she informs me that only the customer service department can make changes to the amount I owe. She give me the number she is going to transfer me to and then tells me she is transferring me.
8:21 am - Everything gets really quiet and I wonder if the customer service department doesn't have hold music, or if I just got transfered to oblivion. I keep holding even though I have the phone number I need.
8:22 am - I become painfully aware that I am still incredibly tired and that I have a really big headache.
8:26 am - I hear a person talking on my phone. Is is the same collections lady. What the heck? She is explaining to me that I do in fact owe them the money.
8:27 am - I again explain why I could not possibly owe them that much money.
8:28 am - I ask to be transferred to the customer service department and this time I hear music. Gloriously awful music.
8:29 am - Another lady answers, this time stating she is with the customer service department.
8:32 am - After searching for my account using my current phone number, full social security number, mailing address, and DNA, she informs me she can't find my account and call the collections department.
8:33 am - A very quick call and she now tells me she can see my account and that I owe the money.
8:34 am - I explain several times about how I had no service, used no minutes, returned the phone on time, and was assured by 3 people (one of them in her department) that I owed no money. She responds that the customer service person I had talked to had written in my account that I had called to make sure my account was cancelled and to check on my (some acronym that I have never heard of), but not to check that I didn't owe anything. Apparently it would be impossible for me to ask if I owed any money and a representative not to note it. I mean, all of the people are perfect right?
8:46 am - Gal explains that she will reverse $50 of the charge, and then proceeds to explain things well beyond my ability to understand in my current state.
8:48 am - I explain that I will fight the $50 remaining dollars to the end, on principle alone. Lady keeps cutting me off, but I am very irritated, tired, and my head feels like a cannon went off next to it. I insisted that the lady explain in the simplest possible terms how much money I owe, with a specific dollar amount.
8:53 am - Lady explains that reversing the remaining dollars will remove the taxes and I might owe $2, but probably nothing at all. I admit that I am in no condition to fight anything for $2.
8:55 am - I ask how I will find out how much money I owe as I never got an invoice. Lady explains that I can mail my money in, use the internet, or pay over the phone. I ask again how I find out if I owe any money. Lady explains how I can pay the money.
8:56 am - With still no idea how I will find out if I owe any money, I give up and hang up.
The Result:
I took some acetaminophen for the headache, which didn't help. I spent the entire day at work barely aware of my surroundings. I think I got work done, but I'm not entirely sure. When I got home I crawled into my bed and slept for several hours, waking up to take care of work emails and such. After midnight I finally managed to eat for the first time. Eat a few, precious, carrots. I blame Verizon in all parts for how bad my day was, and for delaying the Orange Man Project.
I would suggest writing letters of complaint to someone out there if you get the chance.